deberes de meditation class

Why am i stressed out
Why am i behaving the way i am
What makes me flare up so easily
Why cant i accept things as they are
Am i a control freak
What have i learnt so far
When can my mind be at ease
When can my mind rest and stop thinking

I had been doing yoga for like 3yrs or so
Hatha Yoga
I see its benefits
Its striving to achieve a balance and have a healthy combination of body/mind/spirit-soul
I feel that the class focuses too much on the body
The meditation is lacking

Have decided to sign up for meditation for some time
To be exact, had wanted to go for some retreats but they are all too expensive and commercial
However, India is out of the question....i need certain luxuries like a decent hotel and nice toilet/bath

My 1st meditation class started on 25 de febrero
In many ways, i had to unlearn what i learnt in yoga

deberes-cada dia meditate cinco minutos
to start with 3 deep breaths, slowly breathing out
proceed to alienate all the other 4 senses and focus on one by one
end with head slightly tilted to gaze at the floor when eyes are open

its never easy to focus the mind
life is full of distractions
just like during meditation
there's a parallel to life with what one experiences during meditation

Meditation helps bring awareness
helps clear the mind
helps get the mind to rest and take a break before continuing at the normal pace of life
helps rid mind of rubbish thoughts and cleanses the mind

stress and peace of mind
they are not opposites
just like light and darkness

~!@#$%^&*()_+`=!@#$%^&*()_~`=

Married

We've come a long way.

A decade.
We've been married that long.

still searching........siempre

for a while, all seemed too gd to be true.

is it the caffeine...damn, i shld jz keep a caffeine diary...
i get depressed with too much caffeine. i oso get
depressed when i drink too much.

for now, i stopped drinking as much as i did last yr.

i feel damned frustrated at wk. no prospects. lower
pay than what i had been getting and getting the same
pay as someone jnr n incompetent...this is a fantastic
morale buster!

i want a gd job title to get me higher up....but do i
really want a career, can i take it or do i just want
a job.

i hate the stresses of this job.

morale is low. if not for my husband, i wld throw in
the towel w/o batting an eyelid.

i so much wanted to go for the yoga retreat. too bad
it didnt materialize.

why am i always searching ....
searching for that smth....
i know there is a smth but
i jz dont know wat it is.

Age is a Barrier

Ah ha

heard abt the failed attempt at the internal posting.
heard last week.

went for the external interview on the 6th Oct.
though all went well.
in fact, i felt ok, better than ok.

wld hv thrown in the towel had i gotten the external job.
immediately thrown in.

wanted to throw in cz i really really want to get away
go for a retreat
get away from life in the know
get some peace n relax my mind

life suckz u know

anyway, life suckz but still has to go on,
like it or not.

life could be worse if i were in pakistan where the recent quakes hit,
or even had i been in sri lanka where the tsuanmi hit badly

pregnant

was it last week or the week before or another week before that

W told me she's pregnant

earlier in the yr, she told me she wanted to go to Europe before she gets pregnant

i guess that wont materialize

she is but a yr older, i guess time is ripe. when her mom was her age, she was already 9 yrs old

ppl who love children should have more of them, espeically if they can afford it.

i havent lived enough to give up the freedom, the lazy days and nights when i just lounge around home, do nothing and rot.
i havent had enough of idyllic lifestyle.
i havent seen the world yet
i havent pampered myself enough
i havent had a chance to hv enough $ to splurge and pamper myself
i havent had enough $ to let my parents enjoy life abit

with a child, all these wld vanish forever.

i want to be free, come as i wish, go as i please

is that so wrong?

if you think this is not what you want, you can leave me.

there is a chance that i wld be more depressed with a child.
there is a chance i wld be utterly jealous of your r/s with it.
there is a chance that i wld just let go and get the hell out of your lives.
i could almost see that.

i loathe her. i cant explain more.
let me try, try very hard.
well, i think she is troublesome.
i think she is pure trouble.
i dont likeand am irritated by her.
seriously, she aint cute but thats not the point.
just dont feel the same zest and amusement as u when it comes to her.
i hate to be bogged down.
u know i have a short fuse.
i blow my top when she irritates me and u know that's y i avoid her.
i hate the way she is brought up.
unruly, a child.
no control.
eats as she pleases.
stuffs herself silly with junk food.
is perpetually sick.
and the best part is, the parent dun give a damn and encourages soft drinks!
she is already hyper and the extra sugar wld make her even worse.
what can i say?
i hv said what i need to.
i hate it when she licks her own snot, drinks it up...and no one bothers,i figured, since no one bothers, why shld i?
i hate it wh she tries to suck up to me jz to get some food fr me, some food not normally available to her.
i hate ppl sucking up to me, in general, not jz her.
sucking up to me jz WONT WORK!
i really loathe it when he gives in to her whining and crying and attention getting.
i wont succumb cz i know, being an audience encourages the act.
she knows my stand and she wld NEVER come crying to me. U see, it wks. the brat knows.
to hell! not my kid anyway, but it still bothers me.
i swear that i wont let my kid (if, unfortunately, i become pregnant) be brought up that way. NO WAY.
i m protective and will be overly protective to my kid.
i know cz i worry too much.
i can foresee it will wear me out and wear me down
i think too much.
i worry too much.
friends said i shld jz go ahead, take the plunge
cz the more u think the more u wont.
the mind self-justifies and finds more and more reason not to take the plunge.


C said i was jealous. maybe.

In search for a job again

I finished sch in Dec 94
below are a list of my jobs

1.Feb-Apr 95
In an accounting firm
Left cz i hated my female boss. Helluva irritating

2.Oct95-Jan96
Small trading firm
Left cz i was fated to meet another psycho female boss who was a spinster and 24yrs older than me and just couldn't stand me being married and she being left on the shelf

3.Mar-Oct96
Mid-range retail sales
Left for greener pastures in high fashion

4.Oct96-May98
High fashion
Left cz again my female Italian boss started to treat me worse and worse each day

5.Nov98-Nov99
Mfg and retailing firm
Left cz i dont like the way my female boss manages the biz and they way she exploits!

6.Nov99-Aug00
Telco
Left cz I wanted to do part-time distance learning and the shift was not conducive and internal tfrs are not allowed until one has been in the post for at least 2yrs!! (on my last day, the director came to see me but too late, i already signed my letter with the other company)

7.Aug00-Jul01
.com
Bubble burst and my ricebowl went along with it.How i got this job was from my ex boss at the Telco.

8.Aug01-May02
Real estate
Left cz i completed my degree. No chances of tfr or advancments.

9.Jun-Oct02
Retail
Left cz co. culture sucked, it exploited us and made us wear uncomfortable shoes for 12 hrs!
----was sadly, v v jobless and disillusioned.disillusioned that my degree became a bane, post 911

10.May03-Apr04 (finally found a job after like half a yr being unemployed, my longest!!)
IT company
Left cz contract ended

11.May-Nov04
Consulting Firm
Left cz wasnt suitable for the job.

12.Mar till now
Bank
??Would be leaving as I aint confirmed on the job.
???Wont leave if redeployment application succeeds.
????Would leave immediately if the other company gives better $$

70's kids

People born in the 70's, like myself, seem to be stuck at crossroads.

The decision of carrying on in a mundane job and get more and more jaded or cut the losses and get da hell outta it and doing something meaningful is a daunting decision? Which path to choose?
=========

But then again, for me, its getting tougher. I really dont know which road to take and the traffic lights are turning green. I have to move or else i will be trampled over. I am trampled all over and still am being trampled. I dont know where to move and the moving traffic is getting faster and faster. I cannot catch up. I feel like i m sinking. Missing one junction, not crossing a road, leads to downfall. Its not even stagnation. I have moved, but in the wrong direction. I have been moving backwards cz that's the flow of the traffic. I am on the wrong side of the road. I am being dragged down.
=========

I have just picked myself up and am gearing myself to brave through the crowded roads. Its not impossible. It takes a lot "do"ing and not so much of thinking. Getting up and doing rather sitting around thinking but doing nothing. Its an uphill task as i have been dragged down to the valleys. It takes lotsa grit and courage to take the 1st step by standing up, feeling my feet on the ground from such a long hiatus, it was unnerving and very unsettling. I treaded carefully with baby steps, but many a times, the traffic zoomed passed me causing me to freeze and turn back. Back to doom.
------------

Where am i nw?
I dont konw.

Thoughts

These thoughts are like fleeting clouds
they come and go.
They form and condense,
they evaporate and disappear.

It is not heart wrenching.
It does not pierce my heart.
It is not precise.
It hovers above somewhere just like fleeting clouds.
I know i dont feel exactly happy, but neither am i really sad.
Its just that I cant understand, the fleeting negative thoughts I had.

Living is tiring.
Living is a chore.

When I think
all becomes terrible.
And it snowballs
if i think some more.

To do what I thought
would lessen the thinking thoughts.

To be or just merely be?
To control or to let go?
To excel or remain as it is?


------

To know that there is a God.
To know that all is planned and will be.
To justify the perceived injustice in this way.
All will be fine.